Nashville - Part Seven - Commit ( A New Adult Contemporary Romance) by Inglath Cooper

Author:Inglath Cooper [Cooper, Inglath]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780991499786
Publisher: Fence Free Entertainment
Published: 2014-12-21T00:00:00+00:00

Lila

Gratitude

I’M NOT GOING to feel sorry for myself.

I refuse to feel sorry for myself.

But here in this semi-dark hospital room, the quiet punctuated by the consistent beep of the machine monitoring my heart rate, I can’t stop the tears welling in my eyes and sliding down my face. I reread the texts from Thomas, wishing I could call him, hear his voice. More than that, wishing he was here next to me. That I could lose myself in the strong comfort of the way he holds me, the way he makes me feel safe in a way I’ve never felt before.

I feel so guilty for deceiving him, for not telling him where I am. Even though I’m doing it for him. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

I wonder if it’s true. Am I trying to prevent him from unnecessary worry, or am I scared that opening the door and letting him in will make all of this real in the most terrifying way possible? Is it right for me to keep this from him until I have answers?

I’ve gone back and forth in the past few hours. The selfish part of me is crying out for comfort, yearning for relief from the fear that grips at my insides, like a hawk clinging to the side of a cliff.

I don’t want to be alone. And yet I’m not letting Thomas in.

Macy finally left at ten o’clock after I told her I didn’t want her to stay, that I thought I would sleep better with no one in the room. I don’t know that she believed me, but I was insistent enough that she finally gave in.

And I have to admit I’m now regretting it.

I hate the fear. Wish I could loosen its stranglehold. But my mind races with the possible scenarios ahead, and beyond any worry over pain or sickness is a terror of being without Lexie, without Thomas.

This is the note my brain is stuck on, and my tears are for that potential loss, not my own well-being.

Why is this happening? What did I do to deserve it?

I know the futility of the questions as soon as they present themselves. It’s pointless to ask questions like these. Life doesn’t come with any fairness guarantees. And I can think of any number of people I’ve met recently who are enduring hardships they never imagined enduring. I don’t expect to be an exception.

But is it so wrong to want time with the two people I love more than I could ever love myself?

It’s not wrong. I know that.

It might not be the future I had expected though. I might not be here to see Lexie grow up, to experience the seasons of change in my marriage to Thomas.

I wonder if this is why we found each other again. So that Lexie would have him if something happened to me. The thought releases a new torrent of tears from deep inside me. But this time, they aren’t tears of fear or worry or hopelessness.

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